The Unsent Message
Have you ever regretted not saying something?
Recently, I had something on my heart and mind that I put onto paper with intention and care. I made sure that what I wanted to say was clearly communicated, didn’t cause any unnecessary confusion, and then I saved it as a draft. I didn’t feel like sending the message immediately was the right move, so I sat on it. I slept on it and still couldn’t bring myself to hit send. Several times that day I thought about sending the message, but I just…didn’t.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is write out what we want to say to a person and then never show them. I call it the Lincoln method, because of Abraham Lincoln’s tendency to write out letters that he’d tuck away in his desk and never deliver. More of us should really adopt that method instead of posting every thought that comes into our heads on social media, arguing with strangers and airing our dirty laundry. Write it and then delete it.
This time it would appear that not sending the message fundamentally changed a relationship. Had the things in my mind and on my heart been said, I wouldn’t be writing this today because I wouldn’t be wondering how things could have turned out differently. I could have said what I felt by sending that message, on my own terms, uninterrupted, and from a calm place. Instead, I held back what I really wanted to say and a conversation began that may have broken a relationship beyond repair.
The worst part is, I don’t even really know how to explain why I didn’t send the message. “Something” held me back, something didn’t feel right when I almost sent it. Was it God pulling me back so I’d get this outcome instead of the alternative? Was it my ego not wanting to be so vulnerable? Was I scared that it wouldn’t be well received? Was I just overthinking? I’ll never know. I just know what I wanted to say and what I wanted to happen. I didn’t say it, and that didn’t happen. Instead I have regret. But I also question if this was exactly what was meant to happen instead of what I wanted.
I don’t know what’s going to happen from here. I don’t know if the relationship is done. It’s one day at a time, one conversation at a time at this point. I may always be haunted by that unsent message…